5:48 AM
There are nights’ rests polluted by anxiety and circular thinking. Sleep that squirrels and the itty-bitty-shitty committee will just not allow. They triple around the brain pots and pans in hand feeding each other on details that are out of my hands to control. They ride the vicious cycles. Then there are nights like this one, where 4AM thoughts are filled will focus on problems that are fully in my realm to solve. They yield to reason and determination. I can see my way through them. These thoughts are the corvids in the mind. Problem solving, cool considering gaze. Now I understand the Twin Ravens of Odin, Hugin and Munin. I think I will explore them a little.
10:17 PM
Slow day at work. Thank fully. Diving into new Linux instruction and I have more tech books on the way for PowerShell. I wonder when the new job will come along (if at all). It’s a little frustrating that something I want to do and am tapped to do are not yet in hand for me to do. Patience.
Right now, I’m thinking about my dad. I worry about him. I feel more separated from him. We spoke a couple of weeks ago and I had to derail the train of thought we were on because it wasn’t very productive for either of us. That spot of our conversation underscored the gulf between us. He raised through my teens and early twenties. You’d think his politics might have rubbed off on me, but we are so very different here.
He and my step-father got me out in the world. Because of them I lived in foreign countries and spoke those languages. I travelled around the US and lived life from a variety of angles. I learned to accept those places on their terms. I can’t recall a place where I hated being. Once on my own, I carried that with me as I continued to move around the country.
What hurst is that it doesn’t seem like we can have a real conversation. It al feels so superficial. I am his flesh and blood, but we often feel like strangers.
